No Shame

Today’s episodes was definitely one of my favourites to film. Not only are relationships one of my passion topics, but we had Ann Mainse with us! I might have a bit of a #girlcrush.

One of my favourite points from today was hearing the top three things each gender needs:

Men need:

  1. honour & respect
  2. sexual intimacy
  3. friendship

Women need:

  1. security
  2. soft non-sexual affection
  3. Open and honest communication

As a dating woman, things like this always encourage me. It encourages me to make sure I am looking for the right things in my relationship as well as reminding me what kind of partner I want to be.

As a married woman, this might be encouraging also, but it also might be frustrating. I also want to take some time to talk to those of you who may be in a frustrating marriage. My guess is that you are hungry for more relationship knowledge & coaching. You are reading things, listening to podcasts, streaming sermons, watching shows such as this one just to try and figure out what else you might be able to do to help ‘fix’ your situation. I used to be such a woman.

I may be talking to a very small niche market here, but you are where my passion lies. All this wisdom is so valuable to bring into any relationship you have, but please please please, never take on shame when you find you are not practicing these things. Maybe you are one of those people, like myself, that has tried everything. You are trying to respect and hope it returns love, or maybe you are trying to love in hope it returns respect. Perhaps you keep asking your spouse to spend time with you in order to build, or restore that friendship. You are doing everything ‘right’, but still things are not changing.

I have two things to say to you:

  1. Know your value
  2. Don’t give up

I am sorry that that doesn’t give you an exact ‘solution’, but the reality is, your situation is unique. You need to do what you need to do for your own marriage, however, if there is neglect or abuse of any sort, change must occur. It may require some time apart for your own safety, and it may also require a miracle. Good news is, we serve a God that performs miracles, He might just be waiting for us to ask.

Please find someone you trust to talk through things with, pray together for your significant other with, and decide what is best for you. You should never feel shame for struggling – more people are than you realize. If you are being treated poorly, it is not your fault. We each individually need to take ownership of our own actions, and yes, maybe you hadn’t respected him before but you’ve realized that and are working to change it – or perhaps you have not been loving well but you are working on it. Even in these cases, you do not deserve to be treated badly. That is an issue going on in your partner that only God can reveal and deal with – so get into your prayer closet and start battling.

Our God is a god of restoration & He will comfort your in your pain. God’s heart is for successful marriages & restoration. That does not mean, however, that he is mad at me because my marriage failed. Rather, He hurts just as much as I do at that outcome. Unfortunately, I could not make change happen more than I changed myself. I do know, however, I gave it everything I had. So don’t give up, but don’t be hard on yourself either if your efforts don’t seem to be working. Pray hard and learn how to surrender yourself, your spouse & your marriage at the foot of the cross. I guarantee you, surrendered to His restoration plan, even though it may not look the way you think it will, is the best thing you can do.

Lastly, please know you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, we are here. Send us an email, write us a note, or simply let us know how we can be praying for you. Remember, God will never leave you and never forsake you!