Throughout the lows in my journey through anorexia, I found myself asking “Why God? Why me. Why all of this… suddenly? Where is the lesson to be learned here?” After being discharged from treatment, I had a finally-cleared head on my shoulders and God began answering my questions. I decided I really wanted to use the broken pieces of my story to help mend together someone else and so, I took to social media -where we see this never-ending highlight reel to the life of others. No one wants to share their ugly, no one wants you to see their scars…
So, I came clean.
I poured out my soul too the hundreds of people who watched my “weight loss journey” so closely, I found people were idolizing it, giving me all the wrong credit. I lost 145lbs in one year, I could see it in the eyes of everyone around me how things had gone from good, to bad, to ugly, to really ugly. When anorexia is running your self-control, your self-worth, your well being… you don’t see the collateral damage you’re doing around you. You become this silent tornado of destruction without realizing it, Anorexia is mean, she is manipulative, she is narcissistic, she doesn’t care about anything but taking whatever good that’s left in you and ruining it right before your own eyes. You think you have a hold on things, you think you have control- you don’t. Because when you turn around, things are blown around, destructed, destroyed. When you take on an eating disorder, you don’t know what you’re up against- I sure didn’t.
It took only one year for me to hit my rock bottom; I am so lucky God met me at my most broken and decided to give me the gift of life (my daughter Ava)- a life I genuinely didn’t believe I deserved at the time but she was everything and more. She gave me hope in the fact my body wasn’t my own anymore and that it was my responsibility to take care of that life regardless of what the voice of Satan was telling me. I healthily gained 60lbs that pregnancy and delivered a beautiful 6lbs07oz baby girl… It’s rare you hear of many successful pregnancies after hitting a “too low” weight. She was a miracle and she saved my life; I can’t wait to one day tell her the story that is Ava May and what she’s done for my health, heart and happiness.
I am now a firm believer in God giving us what we need before we know we need it and praise him for that because half us probably wouldn’t be standing here today!
Through transparently sharing my story when and where I can, it’s opened so many doors to new friendships that will follow me to heaven- I was able to partake in See Hear Love which was such a humbling and fun experience for me. Meeting the other cast-mates & knowing we got each other on a different level was the best feeling.
Remembering you’re not alone in how you’re feeling is number one- getting better feels impossible but it’s not and I’m praying a glimpse into our testimonies will help someone out there reach out and seek help!